state of her husband's financial affairs until one dark day, she was
jolted by the threatening phone calls from a finance company demanding
immediate return of the money lent to her husband. She was in for more
shocks... The jewels in the locker of their safe was missing! It was
only then Laura came to know of the financial mess her husband was in.
He had heavily borrowed for unexplained reasons and sold the jewels to
raise finance.
She felt so devastated and betrayed that she started disparaging and
grilling him. Her daily grilling was so traumatising that her husband
threatened to stay away from home and his health deteriorated. She
panicked and realised that the confrontational attitude and the constant
running him down was only making matters worse and may even lead to
disastrous consequences. It did not take her long to decide that she
must play a constructive role so as to raise her husband's dipping morale.
*Better Half - Best Support*
Problems in the workplace, tottering business and consequent financial
problems, legal wrangles, implication in a crime, downslide in career,
complicated extramarital affairs - these are some of the crisis factors
that entangle the victim in a traumatising situation. The more sensitive
and chicken-hearted a person is greater the psychological damage
suffered by him. The sad fact is that in many a case the woman is kept
in the dark and the gravity of her husband's predicament is revealed to
her only at a later stage.
Some men, especially the introverted and uncommunicative ones keep their
women totally in the dark and hide the crisis from her. A sense of guilt
and shame prevent many from disclosing the facts of the situation. They
prefer suffering in silence rather than disturbing her peace. "My wife
is too nervous and fretful to bear the blow, hence I avoid confiding in
her and play down the seriousness of the problems on my career front,"
says David, a marketing company employee.
Those who cannot bottle up the inner conflicts and anxieties and who
depend a lot on their wives' support make a clean breast of every bit of
the crisis and share all their woes with her. What about couples who
don't get along well with each other, between whom a wall of bitterness
exists? In such cases, the husband may totally exclude her from the
messy goings-on or provide her as little insight as possible into his
troubles. But the fact is the wife can exercise a major influence and
can be the instrument of arresting her husband becoming a wreck. She can
make or mar the chances of his recovery.
*Rise Up To The Challenge*
Having lived with the man under the same roof for years, the wife cannot
fail to notice unmistakable symptoms of disturbed state of the man's
mind. According to Dr Meenakshi Martins, a psychiatrist and member,
State Commission for women, the first sign of mental disturbance is
listlessness and other early symptoms are withdrawal from everything,
eating too much, spending a lot of time with the Internet,
sleeplessness, heavy drinking, etc... As for long-term signs, Dr Martins
warns of hypertension, diabetes due to prolonged stress and mental
illness if there is a family history of mental illness and also ..
depending on the level of stress and his emotional coping ability.
Hypomania which is less harmful than full mania, suicidal tendencies,
irrational behaviour and emotional violence on women are described by
her as some of the serious symptoms.
Even if she does not have a clear picture of the whole mess; even if she
is not fully aware of what he is passing through, the early symptoms of
his inner turmoil should be enough to alert the wife and make her rise
to the occasion.
Here are a few important tips for successfully guiding your man through
the morass of complications, apprehensions and uncertainties bogging him
down:
Be all ears and eyes so that you are able to detect when and if anything
about him goes amiss and you can step in at the right moment and even
rescue him from what is threatening to be a grave crisis. There are
cases of women taking up the cudgels to redeem the honour of their
husbands. Even if he is not forthcoming, and suppresses serious facts
about his predicament, draw him out of his shell. Put your heads
together and explore various options to come out of the mess.
It is at times when the person's morale is at its lowest, it requires a
lot of concern and care to boost his morale. Psychologist Diane Papalia
says, "Spouses can help each other deal with stress by showing their
love and support and by helping each other understand what is happening
and how to deal with it." Avoid putdowns and demoralising remarks and
help him to cultivate positive outlook.
Men with low self-esteem and very little self-confidence may require
counselling sessions or psychiatric help during the crisis. Dr Martins
points out that if the stress is mild, emotional support can go a long
way in de-stressing but if the stress is serious, medical intervention
with the help of mental health professionals is required. But as Martins
remarks, "The most difficult situation is convincing the man about the
need for treatment." The man's ego comes in the way of admitting the
mental illness or depression.
Martins who deals with cases of abused women points out that the
affected men don't want to accept the mental illness and accuse the wife
of being paranoid and ask her to have a check-up. Timely steps taken to
revive the tumbling morale and boost his spirits as soon as the symptoms
are manifest, will go a long way in preventing his turning into a wreck
and who else but the man's life partner alone can do that.
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